How to develop self-love: 7 tips you can implement today
For many women, including myself, the question of how to develop self-love is absolutely baffling. When I was younger I struggled to find my identity and spent countless years trying to fit the mold I thought others wanted me to fit. I tried to be perfect and please others instead of understanding, or advocating for my own needs.
I lacked self confidence, and as a result, I lacked the boundaries to say no and allowed others to make me feel less than.
Women are often sent the message we are never enough. Even the typical “self care” messages we are constantly bombarded with are based on improving ourselves rather than learning to feel at peace and accepting ourselves just as we are today, flaws and all. It was only when I learned how to show myself true loving kindness and block out the noise of other’s opinions that I was able to truly love and accept myself (most of the time) for who I am.
Here are a few tips on how to develop self-love and shed the shackles of self-criticism and doubt.
1. Learn to be gentle with your self-talk
We all have subconscious beliefs about ourselves that probably began in childhood. It’s important to work toward an awareness of these beliefs so we can work on challenging them and nurturing more positive self-talk about ourselves.
A great way to facilitate beginning this awareness is through journaling to uncover our subconscious thoughts. Become aware that the way you speak to yourself significantly influences your self-perception and overall well-being. Notice when you are being overly harsh or critical with yourself, and actively challenge these thoughts.
Most people are more naturally inclined toward negative self-talk and beliefs about themselves. By consciously choosing uplifting and empowering language, which doesn’t always come naturally, you can reshape your self-talk and increase your self esteem by leaps and bounds.
Start by identifying areas of self-criticism or negative self-talk. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I can’t believe I just did that," counter it with, "I am not perfect, and I love and accept myself."
2. Create a list of personal affirmations that feel genuine to you
If they sound cheesy to you they won’t work so pick ones that feel meaningful and helpful. Repeat these affirmations regularly and consider making a visual of them in your home or on your phone. This can help rewire your brain to embrace a more positive and self-affirming mindset. Use them before a stressful situation, whether it’s a presentation at work or a difficult conversation with a loved one.
3. Develop a self-care routine
This is one of the most crucial components to any positive mental health routine. For many people, life feels filled with responsibilities and stressors. I often hear (and personally feel) that there’s no time during the day for self-care. Although there may be certain times in life when our minutes are truly filled to the brim, most of the time, we can find even ten minutes in our day to pause and engage in self-care.
So what is self-care? Most media and advertisements would have us believe it’s all based around self-improvement. Changing the way we look, sculpting our bodies, etc. But this, in my opinion, is not self-care.
How to develop self-love? Practice REAL self-care.
True self care means allowing your body to truly pause and experience peace, relaxation, fulfillment, and hopefully a little bit of joy. Too often self-care feels like another “to do” on our long list, and that is not the point of self care. Self care should be for YOU, and not based on any conceptions of self-improvement, but rather accepting yourself just the way you are.
That being said, a self-care activity can be both if that feels genuine to you. Physical exercise is a great example. It is great for self-improvement, but more importantly, exercise releases happy chemicals in our body and relieves stress. Other self-care routines could be as simple as five minutes of quick stretching or mindfulness, to larger commitments like creative pursuits or vacations. The less screen involvement the better, though sometimes there’s just nothing better than diving into a trash television show.
For the record, I almost never find that scrolling social media is stress relieving and joyful. For many people, self-care needs to be scheduled or it just won’t happen. For me, that time is most often in the evening after my children are finally asleep and the daily chores are done. I try to spend at least a half hour before bed doing something just for me.
4. Treat yourself like you would a friend
With compassion.
Sometimes when I am having trouble feeling compassion for myself, I consider how I would talk to a friend. Inevitably, we are almost always kinder to a friend or loved one that we are ourselves. That’s nuts!
We need to show ourselves the same kindness, empathy and patience that we would offer a friend. We need to acknowledge that we all make mistakes and have inevitable setbacks. This is the definition of being human, not AI. Examine your self-talk and check how you’re speaking to yourself. Try to resist the urge to criticize or blame yourself. Rather, recognize that you are imperfect and must be allowed to make mistakes. Try and challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more affirming and nurturing statements.
5. Learn to love your body
We all know this is a tough one. One of the first steps to learning to love your body is experiencing gratitude. Learn to foster a positive and appreciative relationship with your body. Instead of fixating on perceived flaws or societal ideals, focus on what you like and appreciate about your body, no matter how big or small.
This can be done by journaling daily about three specific things you appreciate about your body. These could range from the ability to move freely to the senses that allow you to experience the world. Challenge your negative thoughts and consciously choose to focus on your gratitude. Engage in activities that promote body positivity and self-acceptance. Get rid of any social media (or friends!) who make you feel bad about your body, and choose body-positive, affirming social media outlets.
Remember, comparison is the root of so much suffering. We CANNOT compare ourselves to others, because we will always find things on the outside in others that seem perfect. Just remember, every person is fighting an internal struggle with their body, and even the most beautiful women I know have experienced tons of self-doubt and loathing about their bodies at one time or another (sometimes more so).
6. Stop looking to others to meet your needs
This one goes against everything we’re taught from movies and society. We have learned that a romantic partner, a parent, or even a child will meet our needs. The truth is, no one is going to meet our needs but ourselves, and the sooner we can realize this, the less pain we will experience.
How to develop self-love? Meet your own needs!
We often have a vision of a family member, friend, or coworker acknowledging how much we have on our plates and deciding to help us or show us appreciation. We are waiting for our bosses to just give us a raise, our partners to give us consistent words of affirmation, or our work to give us fulfillment. Though people are wonderful and may show us random acts of kindness and grace, we can’t count on these acts for our self-preservation.
No one is going to meet your needs but yourself. No one is coming to save you but yourself. Just like it isn’t your job to anticipate and meet the needs of others (aside from, sometimes, your children), it’s no one else’s job to take care of your needs.
Though this might seem harsh, it can actually be very empowering to recognize that you are in charge of your own happiness, and you have the ability to direct many parts of your life.
7. Stop obsessing about what others think of you
Caring about what others think is easier said than done. You may have built your entire life around pleasing your parents, your partner, your friends, your colleagues, etc.
The truth is, you will never please everyone.
I always go back to the quote “What other people think of me is none of my business.” The sooner you can realize that worrying about what other people think of you will never bring you peace and happiness, the more joy you will have in your life. And guess what. You will probably see that people will actually like you more when you stop caring as much about what they, and others, think of you.
